Finding Self Love. It can be tough. Tough to find. Tough to accept your differences. Tough to like what you see. Tough to really love yourself. Both on the inside. And the outside.
For me. It has been a constant battle my whole life. In my head. My heart. My thoughts. I self judge. Self doubt. And even. Self loathe. I mostly wear size 14. It is something I should not be ashamed of. But I was. And sometimes still am. Dang.
It is no secret that I have body image issues. I have shared how ugh-ew-yuk I think I look. How ugh-ew-yuk I feel. And how I think everyone that looks at me is also thinking that I look ugh. Not a whole love of self-love happening. Ok. None really. Sigh.
I have been on a diet-health-kick-exercise-regime for as long as I can remember. I have trialled them all. I give in easily. Get overwhelmed. Give up.
Just the other day. I was talking to a friend. I said I knew I needed to exercise. But I was too self-conscious. Too self-conscious to join a gym. To go to a group class. To even go for walks. I feel too ‘ugh’ looking in my active wear. And too unfit to get a personal trainer. I said I need to get in shape before I would actually feel confident enough to exercise in public. To exercise in front of other people. Which was a total contradiction. Totally hopeless. Totally pointless. And totally ridiculous.
I've always thought of myself as plus size. Actually. No. I have always thought of myself as the wrong size. The wrong shape. The wrong everything. I look in the mirror and I see ugh. I know there are so many positive things about how I look. And I know it shouldn't be about looks. Self love is about oh-so much more than how someone looks. But I can't help it. I only see my faults. Or what I see as my 'faults'.
My weight varies. I have a goal weight. It is in the 60 kilo range. But realistically. I'm always going to be in the 70 kilo range. Sometimes low 70's. Sometimes high 70's. Sigh.
I know a lot of mums struggle with their 'mum bod' after babies. But I've always had a mum bod. Even before babies. Not much has changed for me after babies. Maybe a little bit wider. A little bit wobblier. But really. The same same.
I've never had a bikini body. I've never been confident in a bikini. Heck. I'm not even confident in a one-piece. Hells bells no. Beach trips always fill me with fear. Dread. And ugh feelings. Even if its just my family with me. On a deserted beach. It is always a very long, very lonely and very self-conscious walk from the safety of my oversized-tightly-wrapped-around-me towel to the waters edge. Dang.
I know I have to change. Not so much my shape. Or my size. I may never be truly happy with how I look. But I do know I have to change my mindset. I know I need to be happy just the way I am.
I have two beautiful-brave-kind-smart-amazing daughters. And I want them to feel like that forever. I want them to feel confident. Secure. Beautiful. Always. No matter what.
So. For them. And for me. I have been taking small steps to feel better. To feel more confident. To be more confident. I won't be shaking my money maker all over town any time soon. Or sharing bikini photos. Or before and after shots. Heck no. Never.
But I will be getting in front of the camera more. I will be letting go of controlling what people see. I will be doing my best to at least like what I see. And not worry about what people think. Or what I think people think. There will a little more walking. A little less junk food. A whole lot more dressing for my shape. For my age. And maybe. Just maybe. Group exercise classes. Eep.
I may have a long way until I truly embrace and love myself as I am. For who I am. But I am looking forward to the journey. Looking forward to learning to love me. Respect. Enjoy. And be proud of me. All of me. It is something I want to do. Something that I have to do. And something I will do.
Guest Blog first published for Wisteria Boutique x