TOTALLY ADDICTED TO INSTAGRAM
1. You have no-like-likes paranoia. Waiting for your first like almost kills you. Refresh. Wait. Refresh. Wait. Come on people like my photo. Seriously. Come on. Like-likey-like. Please. Dang. Sigh. YES. A like. Phew. Finally.
2. You have deleted a photo because you only got five likes. And if you hit eleven likes. You like your own photo. And log in from every account you have and like it again. See point 11.
3. You have fired your poor long suffering Instagram husband/partner/spouse. More than once. Then rehired them a minute later. And you often argue. Over your need for him to understand your need for the perfect shot. The words ‘ugh-you-have-no-idea-why-cant-you-just-take-the-photo-right-and-why-don’t-you-have-it-on-square-crop-it-should-always-be-on-square-crop-never-ever-take-it-off-square-crop-I-die’. Sigh. They never stand a chance.
4. You eye roll at people who use hashtags. Or too many hashtags. But you use them anyway. And yours are way more random. And way worse than anybody else’s.
7. You check your feed a lot. Often. Far too often. And in weird places. Like the toilet. Yup. And not just sitting in there with the lid down. Actually doing yo’ business. A bit of a scroll n’ bowl session. Ew.
8. You have a go-to selfie spot. Same place. Same wall. Same time of day. Same pose. Don't deny it.
9. You take at least 5,202 selfies to get just one. In 75 different rooms. Even though you only have a two bedroom home. And change your might change your outfit. More than once. Then filter and crop the heck out of at least seven selfies. End up not liking any of them. And start the process again. Or crack the shits.
10. You always have your square crop on. Always. Even though you may have no intention of posting every photo you take on Instagram. You can’t help it. To you they look better. But they do you Mum’s head in when she tries to print them off at Kmart.
11. You have more than one Instagram account. Like three. Maybe four. Perhaps more. With totally random make up email accounts. That you never check. Or use for anything else.
12. You wake up in the middle of the night for a wee/baby/child/snack and check your Instagram first. Just t see if you have had any more likes or comments. Or missed any earth shattering memes while sleeping. Then you end up scroll-stalking for an hour.
13. Or worse. You set your alarm in the middle of the night to sound like a message tone. So you can check your Instagram. And so your partner doesn’t loose their mind... you tell them that it was a random text message from your mum/brother/best friend/telstra/wrong number.
14. You check your Instagram as soon as you wake up. Before your morning wee. With one eye open. And not even a good morning to your loved ones. Then you get up an hour later wondering how the morning gone so quickly. And busting for a wee.
15. You check your Instagram every chance you get. You call it ‘downtime’. But it’s more like 'insta-obsessive-compulsive' time. Sometimes you check it a minute after checking it. And then the next. And so on. Or you check without even realising you are checking. Like on autopilot.
16. You filter the heck out of every photo. And you take a screenshot before you post it and compare it to the last photo to make sure you have your ‘feed flow’ on.
17. You don't have Internet connection. Ermagawwwd. No WIFI. No 4G. No 3G. No signal. You may as well be the Captain on the Titanic. Sinking. No way out. No service. No Instagram. Going down with the ship. The end is nigh.
18. You’ve not answered a phone call. Or declined a phone call. So you can finish posting your photo. Or stalking. Or writing a super important comment on someone’s photo like ‘Wow. Love it’. Or a smiley-face-dancing-girl-heart-thumbs-up combo. Yup. So no phone call. Instagram waits for no one.
19. You have done extensive research into how you can 'beat-cheat-dodge' the algorithm system. But are shit out of luck and decide to just roll with it. Or rely on your Facebook account more. Ha. Who are you kidding. Instagram is Queen. It’s only ever Instagram in your world.
20. You used to enjoy coffee catch-ups-chats with your friends. Now you are both busy checking your Instagram. Showing each other things on Instagram. Talking about Instagram. Talking about people you only know from Instagram and have never met. And when they go to the toilet. You post a photo of your coffee which is now cold because you wanted to get the perfect 'casual coffee' shot with your sunglasses-clutch-purse-keyring-trendy magazine styled in. Of course.
21. You get scroll finger. Or phone hand-cramp. You have to stretch it out. And you have an exercise routine that helps. After a good 30-second break. You are back in business. Phew. And already wondering what you missed so you refresh your feed. Stat.
22. You've had a bit of an argy-bargy with your bestie. Because she posted the photo of you with tuck-shop-lady-chin-roll-eye-closed-bad-hair photo. You didn’t agree to posting that photo. You asked her to delete it. But no. She posted it. And tagged you in it. Sigh.
23. You’ve googled “How to get more likes on Instagram”
24. You’ve googled “How to get more followers on Instagram”
25. You’ve googled “How do I know if I am addicted to Instagram”
26. You’ve planned how to announce your pregnancy. Or birth. When you aren’t even pregnant. Or about to have a baby. Just forward thinking. Just in case. You have it sorted. You have it covered. Phew.
27. You’ve thrown your back out/fallen off a chair/ladder/stool/table/bed trying to get the perfect flat lay photo. And you get puffed running around cleaning-faffing for an hour to get one shot of your bedroom looking ‘fresh’.
28. You have done your make up and hair. Have had breakfast. And lunch. Before taking a just-woke-up-and-look-like-this selfie. In bed. And it is actually late afternoon because the light is the best then. And you plan to post it the next morning.
29. You get swallowed up into the Instagram vortex. In a trance like state you realise you are suddenly looking at your best friends-brothers-cousins-aunties-next-door-neighbours-sisters-postmans dog photos. And you have no idea how you got there. It’s been hours. Hand cramp is at an all time high. And the kids are losing their shizzle waiting for dinner. Oh. Heck.
30. You realise you would have written this post a whole lot quicker had you not stopped to check your Instagram account every half hour. Ok. Every 15 minutes. Ok. It was every 5 minutes. And it was multiple accounts. Dang.
Big Insta Love x