REALITY TV DOUCHE BAGS

O. Em. Gee. I'm sucker for Reality TV shows. I'm an even bigger sucker for Romance Reality TV. Yup. The Bachelor. The Bachelorette. Farmer Wants a Wife. The Seven Year Switch. Married at First Sight.

But crikeys. Those last two. Scraping the bottom of the barrel. Douche city. Total cray cray town. 

Firstly. Married at First Sight.

Bearded-bug-blue-eyed-tanty-douche-bag. 
Not even going to use his name. A bit like candy man. I don't want to say it out loud three times and he pops out of the mirror. Argh. I wanted to punch him in the nether regions really early on. And head butt the 'experts'. Um. The guy has issues. Serious issues. If this is him in the first two weeks of a 'relationship' with cameras rolling and it technically not being private... shit. Run girl run. She is better off single and hanging with her dogs. This guy actually scares me with his irrational anger. Yes it's edited. Yes she isn't perfect either. And pushes his buttons. But dang. He is an angry-not-going-to-change-because-I'm-perfect man. Good luck dude. Not.

Blonde dog loving Lady. 
She got matched with a turd. But she needs to chill a little.  She had me on her side until the super nasty super snide comments started. Lay off the booze. Lay off the sarcasm. Find a nice fellow. Not based on looks. And move the dogs out of the bed when he sleeps over. And like the ex-douche bags favourite movie to watch on a Saturday night says... 'Let it go'.

F-Bomb Erin and Mr Personality that actually does have personality now. 
Only  25. And a self confessed dating fiend. I'm not sure what the dealio is here. She just doesnt seem like the Betty Crocker Stepford Wife settle down youngish type. I'd hate to think it is all just to be on tv and play 'wifey'. When I was twenty-five... 'married' wasn't something in my vocab. Unless I was marrying a nightclub dance floor or a vodka soda with fresh lime. Oops. Live it up babes. And the dude. Whats with him? I can't figure him out. Unlucky-in-love-a-little-shy-nice guy? Or kinda-boring-waiting-to-unleash-the-crazy guy? Meh. They do actually seem like the only real-ish couple. So... hmmm.

Blow Wave Hair Guy and Make Up Lady. 
Are they just playing 'couple?  It looks more like they are two single semi-good looking people that may be a little too into themselves to really be into each other. I could be wrong. But two weeks in and she's whinging like a wounded walrus about not going out anywhere. And about his hair. And how he eats his cereal. He totally doesn't get it. And doesn't seem to want to get it. He should really marry his hairdryer. Those two together. His hairdryer and him. Magic. Creepy. Weird. But magic.

Cleaning DJ Lady and Good-looking-not-good-looking Farmer Guy. 
I wasn't feeling it at the beginning. I thought the whole sea sick thing was a stop-talking-stop-touching-me-I-don't-want-to-be-here ploy. But they are actually super sweet. Like she's warmed to him. I've warmed to them. I'm hoping they work it out. Uh huh.

Now. Seven Year Switch. Jay-sus. When would this ever be a good way to fix a relationship. Hells no. But here we are. Watching the train wreck. Secretly loving it. And no flippin' idea how it's all going to play out.

Timbo.
Man up. He doesn't want to be with her. He totally doesn't want to touch her. He would totally do Tallina if he had a chance. And anyone who gets a super ugly tattoo of some dice... ugh. He is a semi-douche-bag. Immature yes. But I suspect a good guy deep down. Probably not a total waste o' space if he found the right lady. One that didn't have his balls in a vice twenty four seven. Actually. That might have been a nicer tattoo to get. Balls in vice. Ew. Visuals.

Jack-jack-Jackie. 
Blonde F-bomb dropping control freak. Um. Tim is kind of a douche. But I'm not sure telling him to 'tell me you fucking love me' with a gob full of food and a face like an upside down arse on national television is really going to make him a better person. Or make her look any more attractive to him. Or make any of us feel sorry for her. Cool your jets. Calm your farm. And move on. 

Tallina. 
I'm on the fence with giggly T. Not sure if she is really hard done by and being treated like complete ass or just a bit of a flirt playing 'fiancé' who wants to marry an ass. I'm going to roll with the fact that she is a sweety. A bit beige. But with the wrong guy. Perhaps she should dial the flir-o-meter down a little with Tim. Although... she did react like most of us non-cheating peeps would have when he whipped his willy out in the spa. Run. Don't look. Just run.

Tallina's Fellow.
Um. Is that a buzz-cut-mini-faux-hawk? And those singlet dress top things. Ermagawd. Please stop acting nice for the cameras. And pretending to be all sad-sack-woe-is-me. From what we can see... his is an ass. A bit of a controlling-engagement-ring-taking-back ass. He doesn't want to marry her. He's not ready to marry her. Then he is. Then he isn't. Sheesh.  He wants to marry his golf clubs. And have affairs with his big ass TV's. Go for it. Let Tallina go. She secretly wants to boof Tim anyway.

Sad-big-boob-brunette and the still-want-to-be-eighteen-year-old dude with those things in his ears. 
I have no idea what the G.O is with these guys. I suspect plenty o' party-hearty in the early days with them. And it's caught up. And they have kids. So no more party-hearty. I'm feeling like she just isn't into him. And regardless of those things in his ears... he actually seems like a pretty good guy. Hmmm. And I think Booby wanted to jump her 'switch partners' bones. She seemed waaay too happy to be away from hubby and kids. Like suuuper happy.

The other couple. Cassie and Jason. I like you them. They've had a rough time. And probably should-could work it out. With proper counselling. Away from the cameras and reality TV bollocks.

But hey. What would we know. The Seven Year Switch peeps, most of who should end it... will probably all stay together.

And the Married at First Sight peeps who should stay together.. will probably all walk away single and ready to mingle. Sheesh.

Heck. If I went on one of these shows... I bet I would look like a crazy-eyed-stalker-diva-scruffy-unkept-big-assed-trackie-wearing-choocolate-loving-can't-touch-meat-elanie-dancing-couch-potato fool. 

Love. Reality TV. Combined. Cray cray x

 

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